dreams face reality

How is it already ten minutes before ten at night? Ah yes, I was catching up on the last episode of Heroes after supper. It was a strange one.

So.

I had a dream last night that I actually remembered. Or, at least part of it. There was a person in it that I hadn't thought of for quite a while. Which was strange.

And then I came across some pictures of this same person. And the memories came back, too. Deeply reminding me of the dream, and how memories are etched into our mind, even when our conscious mind at least mostly forgets them.

And I'm finding myself not knowing what to think about my emotions connected to this person. Actually crying.

The odd thing is I've also come across those same pictures fairly recently and was fine. In fact, I was so happy that I was really actually okay. The pictures triggered remembering the dream and the connection somehow brought forth tears. Not as raw as they have been in the past, but there, nonetheless.

Especially difficult considering how God feels so far lately.

Somethings in life just don't seem to make sense. Like how I've been running more, but my stamina is awful, and I can't seem to maintain a decent speed or pace or... well much of anything. I know dirt roads with hills in the country are harder, but... sheesh.

I was talking with a friend of mine a couple of days ago, and I told her something like, "It's not like I don't know or I'm trying to figure out my life. I know what I want."

Was that arrogant to say?

Or just honest?

It's interesting, because I haven't spoken with this friend in a while, but I've known her for years. And there is a connection to this person as well but not much anymore.

How is it that I can shut my eyes, quiet my soul, hear a song, and suddenly... I'm aware of the presence of God?

We are such beings that have been created to need, to love, to crave the company of other human beings.

My lack of knowledge sometimes seems overwhelming. But, once again, I lift my face, and there is hope. For I am granted faith. Let me hear forevermore. Let me know truth when it is upon me.

Many days lately I find that I am hearing verses like, "Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think..." (Ephesians 3:20)

And the other day I found myself almost unconsciously praying something like, "Let me hear Your lovingkindness in the morning; For I trust in You; Teach me the way in which I should walk; For to You I lift up my soul." (Psalm 143:8)

My parents are celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary this year. I was talking with my mom and she was in tears as she acknowledged aloud to me that my dad may not make it to their 40th anniversary. (A probability at this point, the way things are looking.)

More tears again. Both then and now.

More like a deep soul ache. And me praying, "Please, God... please..." Because I really don't know what else to say.

I can't see. I just take one step at a time. And beg God along the way, turning my face... up... up... up...

I'm wondering why I'm finding several men attracted to me to the point where it becomes surprising to me of their reaction to me... and while it is nice in a way...

I'm back to...

"I know what I want."

And sorry, fellow, nice [good looking, pleasant, funny, you-fill-in-the-blank], you're just not it.

There are so many cute little phrases told to a girl growing up about how she'll know the right guy. Would it too much spoil the "happily ever after" dream too early to prepare a girl for the fact that it could be a while?

See... it's a toss up.

Dreams are like love. So amazing while they last. Even for all the pain when you begin to realize that it isn't real (or returned).

And then you realize that your father won't be walking you down the aisle, if you do get married. Better the tears now, I think.

I have seen my father's disease progress incredibly quickly within this last year and a bit of being back in Minnesota. And even more so within the last month or two. And the thing is, I think he knows it, too.

He said he loves me. Twice. Before I had said anything myself. My father said he loves me. And really meant it. I couldn't remember the last time he had said that.

It is gentling my heart toward him, this whole process of my father having a disease. And also through all this, I begin to try to understand, and maybe gradually understand God as Father--as being completely different from my father.

But I want to see my father again in heaven so much...

So much!

Again someday.

And I will. But it may be a while.

Water, come flowing over me.
Wash me new
Wash me clean
So that I can hear
So that I can understand
and bless Your name on High
Baptize me again in Your love, O God!
Let me know it's truth,
It's reality
It's love.
Be my beloved.
It seems I must wait
a while longer
to be in your arms.

God,
I'm longing
I'm crying.
Where is Your representation
of Yourself
for me
here on earth?

I know Your presence.
My soul bleeds and has often
before
And I will weep again
before You tonight.

I do not have understanding.
But,
"Worthy is the Lamb,
seated on the throne.
We crown you now with many crowns...
The darling of heaven crucified.
Worthy is the Lamb."

And then I came across this verse: "God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved; God will help her when the morning dawns." (Psalm 46:5)

Morning dawn, I welcome you. I would stand in Your light.

Honestly, check out all the cross references for Psalm 143:8

Well... It's 11:00. Somehow. No idea. Good night. May you dream well tonight. May some dreams cross into reality.

I still pray that. I still love.

I will forever.

For I am lifted up. I am full of joy. I am full of hope.

I am granted the faith and grace for another day. Beloved, precious God, let me hear You! Let me always speak Your name!

My muslim friend gets it

So, this shall actually be quite short. (I hope.)

Because I REALLY need to get to bed.

On my way to work today I saw this mom with her four kids, walking beside the road together. (I drive through several little towns on the way to... well most anywhere away from home at this point.) :-) There was a little boy who particularly caught my attention, as he was smiling and laughing. In fact, all of them seemed quite happy and smiling. It was beautiful and wonderful.

I loved it.

And then I tried not to cry.

I prayed for a bit, wondering why that isn't a part of my life yet. Ha. Besides the obvious. But praying that God would bring those steps into my life--the right man, marriage, children, home.

And as a random side note, I can definitely see all the things God has done in my life that wouldn't have happened apart from my being single. But I'm definitely feeling more and more "ready."

So now what, eh?

Still praying.

I get to work, and got a chance to talk with one of my co-workers/friends who happens to be Muslim. She's awesome. And we've already talked about wanting kids and such. Technically, she's the one who brought it up first a little over a week ago. I was showing her these awesome puppet-type things, and, of course, as the store was dead, we started playing back and forth... te he... anyway, that lead the conversation to children and how she would like to have children.

She gets it. Emilie, I'm grateful for you. A good reminder to those who would seek to say things like, "well, if God wants it"--which, while true, is a cop-out. It's cheap. And it's seeks to lessen or "spiritualize" a good desire.

Truly, Christian. We can desire marriage. We can desire children and family. It's sort of a normal way of going about things. Perhaps this tendency to "spiritualize" things is because we're trying so hard to bring God into our daily lives.

Loved ones, God is already present in our daily lives. Will we see Him? Will we follow Him? God needs no help. We just need our eyes opened.

There. I hope that was coherent. I'm tired.

Oh, and Maren... I love this purpley-blue shirt. I wore it today.

And here's another random realization, and not trying to be shallow, but it's sort of funny. So, I have all these ideas and plans that haven't necessarily come into being. For instance, I had hoped very much to be married when I was 24. I just liked that number. Ta da! I am 26 and unmarried. If I had been married when I had thought I "should" be, I wouldn't be working or doing anything that I currently doing--or EXTREMELY unlikely. In any case, [obviously] my life would be completely different. Now there are some very deep implications I can think of in relation to that--people I've spoken with, conversations I've had, time with God... deep, true and real.

and then there's the silly part:

Would I have bought that really cute pair of earrings? Sheesh, I'm glad I have those... I like them.

wink.

I'm going to go sleep.

haha.

Mmmm... good song

Heard this song on my drive home. I've heard it before, but I just thought I would post it here, as I really do like it.

my darling, silence becomes you...

I suppose I have a lot to catch up on over the past couple of months. I have moved twice, ran a race with 11 others that covered about 200 miles (and on a hurt foot), started attending Bethlehem Baptist again, and so many other things! I have covered more pages in my journal this last year than I have covered in a while.

And somehow, I hardly know where to start.

So. Maybe I'll just say "hello" again.

Hello friends. I haven't forgotten you. I think about you often, although I call or e-mail less. You are still a part of my heart and life. I find myself thanking God for you often. I thank God for your part in my life. I am so thankful. I am still reminded of the grace of God through you. You are still very much needed.

Let' see...

Seriously, I haven't the slightest idea of what to say. I do enjoy the silence of the country. It's like learning to hear, learning to listen again. That being said, a lack of noise can also bring some other things into perspective.

The past few days I was hit pretty hard with some sort of "flu" type thing going around. I don't usually get so sick where I can't work, but I definitely was getting shaky and feverish and had to go home, which where I have been for the past few days. Getting a tad stir-crazy.

There's a guy at work who is interested in me, and..

ahem, there are several who match that description, but only one who has actually asked me out...

anyway, there is a guy at work that has asked me out.

And a few weeks ago, I did say yes to going out to coffee with him. Not a date, right? Yeah, I'm not an idiot. Not exactly sure what really brought me to say yes in any form, but I did, and we hung out a couple of times...

And due to both of our very forthright nature, it was made clear very quickly that I could not be in a relationship with him.

He's not a Christian.

I was able to share a lot of what I believe with him. A lot. I honestly hope that what I said was able to sink in so that the truth is heard and sits and remains.

And yes, while there is a part of me that is more or less grateful for male attention and attraction, it is also difficult. Because there is also the part of me that is screaming and crying--and I have come to the cross again and again as I seek to beat that which is physical in me into submission once again.

Behold, God, I do wait for You.

The longing for marriage, for children has not decreased. It is quieted. Sometimes it seems my body, mind, and soul cry out together, and my spirit turns once of again to Christ, begging for relief, for quiet, as I cry myself to sleep at night.

Perhaps you think I am crazy.

Perhaps you think I am ungrateful.

Try to understand this, then. I smile. Quietly at peace, even while I sit here. Knowing the love of God Himself. I am His Beloved. And His Beloved I shall remain. Longing for marriage is no wicked thing. I say it again:

Behold, God, I do wait for You.

I find myself in the country. I find myself in a safe place. I am grateful. I am glad. And I dream of more. Perhaps, one day I will see it come to reality.

Things learned in a few years...

The taste of today is joy and sorrow mingled like bitter herbs dipped in honey. I feel it in the warmth of sun and the almost coldness of the wind--both gentle and fierce today. I see it in the new flowers springing forth where the flowers of spring have died. My bones feel it in the need for sleep from the busyness of these past several weeks, and in the desire to stay awake as long as possible to enjoy the gloriousness of this day. This morning I could sing at church, although I could hardly speak. This day is glorious, this day is good. God has created a good balance, and it leaves me hungering for a taste of more.

On my way home from church, I started thinking about where this past year or year and a half has seen me. I started to get frustrated as I wished I had done things differently in some cases, and realizing again how many people there are in the world who are cheap, selfish, cheaters, mean, and liers. What fabulous thoughts, eh? In my wishing for change, I had to step back and remind myself that if even some of the "little" things were different, most likely my life would also be completely different. In reflecting over the past few years, I could say all sorts of things like, "It was a learning experience," or "Now I know better," or "I was able to understand something I never would have otherwise," or something else like that. And while these statements are certainly true, it hardly encompasses the fact that there has been a lot of pain in my life.

Some days it is hard to see the goodness in day. Some days, I crave a feeling of wholeness, of peace. I'm learning to find it. There have been several periods over the past few years (and particularly with the past year and few months), where my life has felt extremely quiet--not quiet in the sense that there is nothing going on, in fact, it is quite the opposite. The periods of quietness are as such because my life is not filled with people and work and study and all sorts of activities and going places, and it has felt full, and even nearly happy. If there were trials, they were painful, but now they seem so fast. Everything had a certain speed and continuation. I would struggle; I would cry out to God; I would learn to wait; I would hear Him speak; I was young, impatient and still learning.

God is a gracious God, for He teaches us more of Himself through every day, if would keep our eyes and ears open. In the past, for all it's speed of action, and how slow God seemed to move, I nonetheless saw Him moving. And in each step, He brought me to Himself, constantly turning, moving, helping me understand Him, know Him better. I do not know Him better except in those times of greatest submission to Him.

Is my heart too guarded now? Or, as I think, I am coming to realize, my understanding of God is changing even still. I have known God as Friend, Beloved, Rescuer of my soul, Savior, Creator, Sustainer, Provider, Unexpected One, Glorious One, and so much more. He remains these things to me. He is these things to me even more now. The quietness has taught me more of Him than I could ever know in just simply a huge amount of busyness and going places. And that is this: God, everything about Him, simply IS. And remains. He is constant, my constant Creator, Friend, Beloved, Forgiver, Sustainer, Provider, Promise-Keeper, Great Laughter in my soul, the One who cries deeper than my heart, the Keeper of my heart, Unexpectedly Glorious, and Wonderful beyond measure. This is my Gracious, Beloved God. He is. His voice is sometimes quieter; sometimes He doesn't speak; sometimes I feel His push upon my soul, and in my constant questions, some are even habitual from when I was a child...

Tears spring forth to my eyes, as I come to realize again: I've grown up in the arms of God! What sweeter place could I have ever known? I want none but Him.

So why does my soul ache today? It's a question I have often thought over for a long time, and even more within the quiet. The fact is, I hunger deeply for something, and pain gnaws at the edges of my insides, threatening to take over if I let it. Oh, and in the past, I have found it quite easy to let other things to take over. I'm quite the one for being social, having friends around, filling my life, so that the hunger seems abated, but is always gnawing away at my insides. I've struggled with this feeling of discontentment, even, and there is a fine line between allowing that discontentment to have good and holy base, or to let it consume me so that I am discontent with much to many things. The struggle between understanding desire for something and instead of this concept of "letting go" of a desire--which is silly, because it cannot cease to exist, for I am no longer a baby, forgetting that which I do not see as soon as it is out of sight. In my adult mind, it is not so much of "letting go" of a desire, but a release into the knowledge that it really isn't in my own hands to get that which I desire for myself. If I do try to seek after my way of getting a desire, it is so much less satisfying. And simply, the reason for that is this, in both the waiting for and getting of any desire that God may bring my way, or not, I come to know Him.

I will not be blind, stupid, and foolish. I will pursue that which I desire, within the confines of morality, decency, and most importantly, as God may lead.

Oh, but the waiting is hard. Sometimes God seems cruel to allow me to have a desire and not fulfill it. I must pursue again and again that which is at the root of all my desires and deep hunger--and that being Christ Himself. Did you not think that I would say that? It is quite true, for if in a time of quiet, we stop, sit and examine, asking ourselves, "What do I really want?" over and over again, the answer must and always be God Himself. For it is Christ that satisfaction is found, and the truest peace. I cannot taste, experience, enjoy all of Him here right now, but I can know Him a bit better and be all that bit more satisfied, by knowing Him all the more fully.

And that is what gets me through the sorrows.

I don't often speak of the sorrows. What is there to say? We all experience sorrows. And have learned that just as there is night on one side of the earth and day on the other, so are the sorrows and joys for us all--each has it's time, each has it's place, and for some, there are joys that would to be another a sorrow, and all are mingled together.

But my sorrow has come upon me again. Please pray the my father would learn and remember to trust--trust us, as his family, and deeply trust God. Because in the times and places that dementia gets particularly bad (he has frontal lobe dementia, for those of you who many not know--in addition to/complication of his having Parkinson's), it is like dealing with a child between the ages of 2 and 4. It used to be that it was like a teenager, but now, it seems more and more like a younger child--even continually. Forgetting things, obsessing over things to the point of detrimental exertion, throwing fits, mocking, refusing to do things, walking away when asked to do something, and otherwise all sorts--and in all part of this, still the man who is my father, who put training wheels on my bike, who used to give some of the best hugs, and I miss him. If I marry, the man I marry will never know the man my father was. I lost my grandfather--my dad's father--when I was about 5 or 6 years old. I don't remember a lot, but I remember he was wonderful. Growing up, I thought of how good of a grandfather my own father would make. I just don't know. I wanted a father, and now I'm trying to figure out how to parent my father--and without him feeling belittled or offended, and it's hard, especially when he is so easily made angry some days. It seems that I must continue to learn patience, wisdom, and to know the face of Christ, one day at a time.

There are a lot of concerns upon my heart and mind--things spiritual, things physical, and more--and there is even yet the constant waiting. I have an apartment I am subletting from a friend for 3 months this summer. It's about a mile away from my parent's house. I'm hoping for a chance to regroup my thoughts, figure out what exactly I have in the multitude of boxes I have, and at some point have a garage sale. It'll be a good change of scenery, and perhaps I will find a studio or something in my price range and other things in addition. Please pray for my strength, that it may continue, and that I would be enabled by Christ to keep on each day. I am still praying for many things. I'd still like to marry and have a family of my own someday. Every part of life is giving and living and it has it's good and it's sweetness. Even as I was trying to tell my brother the other day--we should never give up on any aspect of life because of experiencing pain. Pain is a part of the living, but there are such sweet and wonderful and good moments in life--things to treasure and love and know God better through. These are the moments worth seeking. Less us not give up on love for the rejection of it. Let us not give up on laughter for the tears. Let us not give up on sunlight for the rain. But just keep turning, turning, turning each moment until you see ever facet and examine it's brightness. Because no matter what our circumstances may be, God simply is. He is constant, and brings miracles yet. There is always a brighter day to come for those of us who know God. Always. Believe it.

Teach me to praise.

Sometimes I just get so frustrated. Frustrated with myself. Frustrated with life. Frustrated with the fact that everyone seems to have something good as a part of their life--something working out. While I sit struggling over and again with trying to get more hours at work so that I can move out, trying to find a place to live; trying to think of what I should do with this life of mine.

And then I get apathetic. Coasting through life like how I'll find myself driving every now and then--following the routine and seemingly suddenly finding myself at the next location.

And I get so upset as I see people going places, doing wonderful things, and I can't get past myself. And I get tired of constantly pushing and pushing and trying and pursuing God.

Dear me, I want something to just come easily. I want a vacation.

But, I desperately miss Christ. Why do I not pursue Christ with my entire soul constantly? It is true that I am weak. But I can dance weakly, being forever lead along. God, be mine forever.

Pursue me, Beloved. And I... I shall praise Your Name forever.

Praise.

It does not open my eyes except to Christ, and shuts my eyes to all else.

And somehow, nothing else matters. As long as the song continues within my soul, nothing else matters but Christ.

Keep the song of my soul coming. My soul sings out Your praise! Heal my soul, heal my heart, heal my body. Dream me to awaken.

What more can I say?

Imagine. I awoke with a smile on my face. What an odd thing. But pleasant. Certainly not what I expected. Must be some answers to some prayers. Thank you! And this... this is my song these days. I love the new Bebo Norman CD. Definitely recommend it to all! Check out all the CD. I'm listening to it right now. One Bright Hour. Mmm... Good... Like food... My brother is waiting for me to go eat. So, I shall close for now. Love to all!

The Only Hope
Bebo Norman

I want to run, it’s my nature to run
And I want to fight, it’s my nature to fight
And I want to live, but you tell me to die
I have resolved that I’m much better off in your hands than mine

I’m begging you to hold on tight
Begging you to hold on tight
Begging you to take my life from me

I want a crumb, but you are a feast
I want a song, but you are a symphony
I want a star, but you are a galaxy
And I have resolved that I’m much better off in what you have for me

I’m begging you to hold on tight
Begging you to hold on tight
Begging you to take my life from me
So tell me you won’t let go
Tell me you won’t let go
Cause you are the only hope for me

Take my life from me, It’s the only hope for me
Take my life from me, It’s the only hope for me
And I’ll never want for more
I’ll never want for more

I’m begging you to hold on tight
Begging you to hold on tight
Begging you to take my life from me
So tell me you won’t let go
Tell me you won’t let go
Cause you are the only hope for me

You’re the only hope for me
Yeah, you’re the only hope for me